I, the Michele Bachman, hereby Announce my Candidacy for President of the United States!

My heartfelt views are as follows.

THE ECONOMY:

The deficit. “I think if we give Glenn Beck the numbers, he can solve the national debt.” I will appoint Mr. Beck to be the economics czar! He will fix it in a week!

Abolish the minimum wage. “Literally, if we took away the minimum wage — if conceivably it was gone — we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.” I am sure I could get people to fight over a job paying $5 a day!

Jobs: If we cut the taxes of the rich and corporations, the rich will continue to remain employed! 

''I don't know where they're going to get all this money because we're running out of rich people in this country.'' 

THE WAR:

"Visiting Iraq is like a trip to Mall of America! There is marble and water everywhere." Mission Accomplished!

THE HEALTH:

“Normalization” of homosexuality would lead to “desensitization”

 ‘Do you know that the music for The Lion King movie was written by a gay man?’ The message is: I’m better at what I do, because I’m gay.”

Gay singers should repent after getting cancer.

"And what a bizarre time we're in, when a judge will say to little children that you can't say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it."

''Does that mean that someone's 13-year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus? That night, mom and dad are never the wiser.'' 

 

''Death panels are the bureaucracies that President Obama is establishing where bureaucrats will make the decision on who gets health care and how much.

THE SCIENCE:  

"I don't think I give as much credence to my own mind, because I see myself as being very limited and very flawed, and lacking in knowledge and wisdom and understanding. So, I just take the Bible for what it is, I guess, and recognize that I am not a scientist, not trained to be a scientist. I'm not a deep thinker on all of this. I wish I was. I wish I was more knowledgeable, but I'm not a scientist." They try to blind me with science!

“Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.”

''Carbon dioxide is natural, it is not harmful, it is a part of Earth's life cycle. And yet we're being told that we have to reduce this natural substance, reduce the American standard of living, to create an arbitrary reduction in something that is naturally occurring in Earth.'' 

“There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design."

THE HISTORY:

 

''But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. ... I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our for-bearers who worked tirelessly -- men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country.'' I am smarter than Palin even though the founding fathers did not fight against slavery nor was Adams a founding father, opps.

THE CULTURE:

"Not all cultures are equal." If you are not white and male, your nothing!

"Congressional liberals ought to be subject to "an expose" by the media because of their views." Conservatives do not need to be exposed and anyone that does not think just the way I do is a hieratic!

So I say to you, who is the greatest person in the land?

ME!

Who is will be the greatest president of all times, except for god?

ME!

You must vote for me to save us from you!

''What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing.'' 

“I have experienced that throughout my political career, being labeled a kook"

Sincerely

President for life (crossing my fingers)

Michele Bachmann

 

 

Steve

*sigh*

Crazy Old Man My Life in Pictures

This is the day I was born.

I have always been a little shit!

My parents.

My mother had nice knees because she never had to kneel.

Dad used to walk around making me balance on his hand.

He never caught me if I fell but lucky for me, I usually landed on mom.

We didn't have much money and this was my babysitter when my parents went to Vegas every month. Sometimes they threw some corn on the ground so I could play chicken.

School was great!

Everyone had such fun.

The girls would sleep on the floor as the teachers danced around them.

Then the boys would have to lay on the girls and we played Blanket.

Later, we all got PHD's and played doctor.

I was such a horny little man.

One day I heard a voice say "Never More"

Me and the boys put on our cool duds and went cruising for chicks.

We all were so hot!

I mean, literally, we were roasting on that fuck'n sidewalk! We are Penguins after all.

This is me and my first chick!

I HAD to give her a ring before she would put out.

She was kinky though, she made me wear woman's shoes.

Boy, I needed that smoke!

 That chick...she was a load of chicken crap! 
Our relationship laid an egg!

So here I am after I dumped that chick.

Look at me! Mr. Cool, meet Mr. Relaxed!

Ain't life grand? 
(Cough)

But I soon grew lonely and I was on the hunt again.

These are my bitches. I numbered them to tell them apart.

They weren't much in the face department but those gams! Yummy!

(I think #6 may have been a man.)

Here I am on a date. I was such a boner! 
Eat your heart out Geoff!
Oh, I forgot, you don't have one.

Well, I narrowed my bitches down to one of these two princesses...

Being that I was going to get married, I got me a good job as a train horn. 

That's me on the bottom left.

A few years later, I was replaced by a train whistler.

One of my princesses came to me 
and said she could not marry me,

for she has been bitten by this mosquito 
and that she had bitten him back. 

As those French say, A reservoir to her!

Finally, the happy day arrived and we were married.

This picture is from our wedding night. Please note that I was wearing protection.

We killed the rabbit.

These woman wanted me to help 
them with their bunny problems too.

We had a little girl. 
She is an all American girl! 
We named her Sarah.

We also had a little boy. 
His name was Bob.

This is our last picture of Bob.
Taken just as Sarah popped a cap in his ass
and he exploded.

I came home late one foggy night. I had just tossed my cards on the floor.

I had been out, diddling with a little French Horny.

I saw my wife's pussy and got a bone but she had cotton coming out of her ears.

As she sang ♫♪ La-La-De-LA-LA-LA ♪♫

 She kicked my pickle, hard, and divorced me.

So that has been my life. 

As you can see,

I am still picking up chicks,

though at our age,

there is a tiny bit 

of that middle age spread.

Steve

Ass Wipe Florida Gun Laws or Rick Scott Bonerhead!

One of us is Rick Scott.

Rick Scott, medicaid thief and self proclaimed full-blown 2nd amendment supporter who is now the T-bag governor (who payed 74 million of his own "stolen"money to become governor)


This NRA glory hole has decided that Florida's meager gun laws are too strict. We already have the "Bring your guns to work" law and if you feel threatened in your home, you can kill anyone and get off  "Scott" free.


Bills now up for consideration will entitle you to carry your concealed weapon in the open. This bill would also allow you to carry your gun, in the open, on university campuses and in private schools. Hey wants a dead student or 20?


Another bill prohibits doctors from asking patients about gun ownership. The fine is up to $5 million dollars and five years in prison. Crazy? Doctor can't ask if you have a gun and are a threat!


The third bill would limit gun  regulation to the state. Prohibiting local governments from passing or enforcing any gun laws.


The reasons given for these laws?


"It is the right thing to do" "I have no reservations on pushing the bill" "The only way to stop a perpetrator is with equal force" Rep Evers (R).


"The casual removal of a sport coat at a restaurant or a gust of wind can suddenly expose a legally concealed weapon and put the owner in violation of the open carry ban." Marion Hammer, Former NRA president and lobbyist for Unified Sportsmen of Florida. I'm sure you love to flash your penis gun!


"An open-carry law would deter crime. For example, a would-be bank robber might think twice if he or she saw someone standing nearby with a weapon"  I am sure the tellers are thrilled at this idea.


I am sure that the picture in the minds of these ass wipes is that of white male manly men with guns. Protecting the frail women folk and shooting any shade of skin color darker than albino!


I am all for it! Forget about wheels for your ride, big penis guns are all the rage! What a great arms race this will foster. I can see it now.......


Gun owner one: "My gun got more bling than yours!"
BLAM!!
Gun owner two: "Your gun is mine now!"


If I was a tourist, I WOULD NOT VISIT FLORIDA!
If I was planning to retire in Florida, I WOULD NOT!

The next Republican-T-Bag town hall, campaign stump, etc., lets all take our guns and carry signs such as "Democrats with Guns!" or "Liberals are liable to pop a cap" or "Gays can still shoot straight!"
 
Oh, by the way Mr. Scott, where are the 700,000 jobs you promised?

Steve

 

Sanford Roasted His Wiener on the Appalacian Trail

Argentina is only this far away from the Appalachian Trail on the map and my wiener is that long too, really!

President Mark Sanford? I think not!

Time to lighten up a bit. Time for us crazy old people to remember back in the day. Before we had a clue what any of the following would mean?

Have you accidentally entered your PIN on the microwave?

Have you ever played solitaire with real cards?

Remember having only one phone number? How many phone numbers does your family have now?

Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

Do you pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries?

Every commercial on television has a web site. Remember when web sites only had spiders?

Remember when a curser was a person that used swear words?

Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it? Did you remember to turn off the iron? Do you even know what an iron is?

Do you get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee?

You know what a USB is and you know how to use it.

Do you miss Kodachrome? Have you ever used a camera that uses film?

WTF were the good old days?

Steve